


I wanna get better

by notwhatyouseeinthemovies



Category: Impractical Jokers
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Medication, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Third Person, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Harm, Stuttering, alternative universe- mental health facility
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-04 23:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14030880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notwhatyouseeinthemovies/pseuds/notwhatyouseeinthemovies
Summary: James S. Murray is a twenty year old male, with all of his life ahead of him. That is, at least, what his family tells him when he considers attempting suicide. After being taken to a local mental health facility, he meets three people who will change his life forever.





	1. Chapter 1

“I will NEVER forgive you” Sal screams, while standing in the middle of the hallway. Fists clenched, eyes squeezed shut, covered in mud. He can feel it, he’s having a panic attack. He can’t breathe, there’s mud all over him. He can’t even think, this is vile and disturbed. All the while Joe is running down the hallway, laughing like an asshole. He’s so god damn proud of himself for knocking Sal into a mountain mud in the courtyard just mere seconds ago. 

 

As a staff member comes by to help Sal get out of the hallway crowded with confused patients and into the bathroom to wash up, a young man with very short, scruffy hair walks through the door. He looks around, shifting and twitching slightly in the doorframe. His eyes settle on the figure being taken down the hall, looking like something the cat dragged in. Nervous eyes meet fiery ones as Sal calls to the new guy 

 

“What are you lookin at chrome dome?!?” 

 

James frowns at this, scratching his head nervously. Sure, he was only twenty and he was already starting to lose his hair, but was it really that noticeable?  
“Don’t mind him, he’s always like that” a deep voice filled with laughter breaks James away from his internal monologue and back into the real world. As James turns to his left he notices a guy with long, shaggy hair and an olive colored newsboy cap. The man smiles at James, extending a hand. 

 

“I’m Brian, but you can call me Q”

 

James stands there, staring but not moving an inch. 

 

“Oh shit, sorry….do you have OCD like him too?” 

 

“N-No, im o-k-kay” the words come out in a stuttered mess, but James gets them out none the less. He’s about to stick his hand out as well when his mother pushes him further inside, saying 

 

“Come on, let’s go find that doctor the lady mentioned”

 

And with that, James is whisked off further into the building, turning his head a few times to look back at the smiling guy in the olive cap.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James begins his first day in what will be his new home for likely some time now. It's only the beginning and this place already seems to be too troubling for James to handle, however, there may be a few people who help him on the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: I forgot to put a trigger warning on my first chapter (sorry for that) but I will put one on this chapter for a short, slightly graphic depiction of bulimia. 
> 
> Thank you all for being so patient and reading. I had a serious doubt of depression which caused me to lose focus on the things I loved such as writing. I'm back now and better than ever, so I hope you like where the story is going. If you have any suggestions leave me a comment, I love working with others on ideas.

“So, Mr. and Mrs. Murray, you said your son was what age again?”

“Twenty” 

“And he was referred to this clinic because?” 

“We didn’t know where else to turn. He started self-harming again yesterday and I just” James’s mother sobs into a tissue as her husband comforts her. 

“Actually sir” James takes a deep breath in, closing his eyes before opening them back into the light of the office “I wanted to come here of my own accord, but I had an anxiety attack so bad I couldn’t handle the steering wheel correctly. I asked my parents to drive me” James looks back down at his feet. 

“Now you came here because of your self harm?” 

“We were scared he was going to do something drastic” James’s mother cries. 

“No” James quickly adds on, quickly changing his tone of voice from urgent to calm and controlled…well, at least as calm and controlled as he can get “I mean…. I didn’t think I would do something like that…but there’s always the possibility and” he feels himself getting more anxious by the second, all this talk is too triggering to bear right now. 

“Fuck” the whispered curse is followed by a nervous twitch. 

“It’s alright son, I’m glad you made the decision to come here”

“Thank you, sir” his eyes are back on his feet. 

~Later in the day~

“Well honestly, I’d just like him to have the decency to not put his hands all over my things” Sal glares daggers at Joe from across the room. If looks could kill…. but even if they could, that wouldn’t phase Joe. He’s just joking and smiling like always. 

“Joseph” the kind lady leading the guided therapy session turns to the man with an eternal smirk “would you please stop touching Salvatore’s things?” 

“Yeah, sure. I’m sorry Sal” he nods a bit, looking earnest in his apology for only a moment. Then, there it is again, that devilish smile. 

“Sure, you are, you piece of shit” Sal sneers. 

“Hey, wait a minute, how can a germaphobe like you use such dirty words and not have a panic attack?” 

“You’re a dead man” Sal gets up 

“Oh, am I really?” 

“Well I know you wish you were” 

“I am NOT suicidal. That’s all bullshit!” Joe gets up as well, the heat in the room rising 

“Oh yeah Joe? Then tell me, why exactly are you in here?” 

“Shut your mouth!” 

“I’m going to need you both to calm down” the lady raises her voice as James sinks deeper into his chair, not handling all the yelling in the room very well. 

“I think that is where we’ll end our session today…we’ll pick back up tomorrow” they all get up to leave when suddenly, the therapist speaks again “Joe, Sal, may I see you two for a minute?” 

The two men with faces bearing the color of molten lava turn towards the group therapy leader and sit back down in a huff. Murray closes the door behind him as he exits the room, taking a calming breath. It’s only his first day here, not even that, his first hour here and tensions are already high. Deep down in that scary place where all the voices in James’s head lie, among the voices that tell him that he should be constantly anxious, the voices that tell him that his life is in danger, the voices that tell him that his life isn’t worth living, there is a voice that screams ‘I told you so, I told you coming here was a bad idea. This is just going to make things worse. You should have just ended it when you had the chance.’ 

“Hey” a vaguely familiar deep voice whisks James away from his impending panic attack and brings his breathing to a steady rate “You’re that guy from this morning, right?” 

“Huh?” James looks up to the boy with shaggy hair, trying to ground himself “Oh uh, yeah, I guess I am. You’re Q right?” 

“That would be me” the guy smiles this genuine, warm smile that makes the screaming voice in James’s head finally shut up for a moment.

“Sorry about those two, they’re always at each other’s throats” Q rolls his eyes, pointing with his thumb in the direction of the room which holds group therapy “But what are you gonna do, eh? I promise they’re not that bad most of the time, hell, they’re probably my best friends here.” 

“Really?” James asks, trying in vain to hold back a laugh “Those two? How do you even get along with people like that?” 

“Well, it’s real simple actually, with Joe, don’t mess with his emotions, and with Sal, don’t touch his stuff and he won’t promise to murder you when he gets out of here.”  
“Wow” James couldn’t help but let out a chuckle this time “Seems like a lot to deal with.” 

“You get used to it” Q shrugs, making his way down the corridor with James into the rec room. 

“How long do you have to be in here to get used to that? 

“About five months, give or take” 

“Five months?” James looks up, at the rugged man, not even thinking about common courtesy when he asks “What happened to get you in here for so long”. James clasps a hand over his mouth once he realizes how uncomfortable the question might be for most people. 

“I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, that was so disrespect-“ 

“You gotta make yourself throw up to the point where all you can puke up is bile and a little bit of blood. It’s a nasty visual, but trust me, it’s even worse when you actually see it.” 

James feels his heart sink into that dark place with all the screaming voices. That dark place where anything broken or deranged lies. The voices begin tearing his heart to small, bite-size pieces with their cries of ‘You idiot, why would you ever ask him that’ and ‘Now look what you’ve done, you’ve made him even more depressed than he probably was before’. 

“I-I” James begins breaking down into a twitching, stuttering mess. What once were nervously spoken sentences eventually break down into a mix of alphabet soup, vowels and consonants spilling out of James’s mouth in unintelligible combinations. 

“Hey” the warm, rough, voice returns once more to save James “it’s okay…alright, that’s a bit of a lie, it’s not okay. But that’s why we’re all here. We’re not okay, but we’re gonna get better, I know it.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James spends his first night in the ward, and deals with some personal struggles that he doesn't know if he'll be able to overcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW again: for suicidal thoughts and anxiety. 
> 
> Once again, I'm sorry I've been on and off lately, I really want to do more for this story but I am not completely sure where to take it. I have a few ideas, so we'll see where this goes. If you're still reading thank you for being patient with me and I hope you enjoy!

People tell you that a mental ward is a weird, fucked up place where the crazies go so that the rest of society doesn’t have to deal with them. The media tells you that places like these are full of dangerous individuals that make each day a living hell. Whether those descriptions are true or total garbage, there’s one thing that often isn’t said about life on a mental ward, something that James found out his first night there. The days could be good, or the days could be bad, but it’s the nights that are the worst. Stuck in your room with one other person who has easily drifted off into their nightly slumber because they’ve learned ways of dealing with what the “new guy” hasn’t found a way to deal with yet. Stuck here alone with your thoughts running around in your head. Stuck in a place you aren’t used to, a place where they say you can learn to control your thoughts, and yet, it seems to be the one place in the building James’s mind won’t shut up.

 

The thoughts begin as little bubbles of anxiety, welling up on the surface. Like carbon-dioxide in a glass of soda. Several little thought bubbles come up to the surface at once, popping as soon as they appear, creating a crackling noise in Murray’s brain that won’t go away. Those are, however, just the beginning.   
After all the bubbles have disappeared and the soda swimming around James’s mind has gone flat, the liquid starts tossing and turning in waves, large crashing waves. Deep thoughts that James thought had left his mind for good. Thoughts of little times he had disappointed others in the past, thoughts of failures in his life, thoughts of where he has gone wrong. 

 

And in the end, it makes James wonder

 

Is life worth living? 

 

“Morning guys” a lady comes in with a clipboard, checking off names as she goes from room to room. It’s six AM, James has no idea when he nodded off to sleep, but he supposes that at some point, his anxiety had physically tuckered him out to the point where his mind had no choice but to rest. 

 

Not long after his awakening James finds himself groggily getting out of the shower and changing his clothes. James notes his shoes, sans laces, and smiles. He has to admit, taking them out probably was for the best, he’s not sure what would have happened last night had he remembered they’d been left in. 

 

While James heads to the cafeteria, he wonders why he decided to come here. It was his family that took him here but ultimately, it was his idea. But honestly, if every night in this place would make him feel like a suicidal, anxious wreck, one panic attack away from jumping out a third story window, then why stay here? 

 

“Hey James” James snaps his head up in the direction of the noise, sighting three familiar faces huddled around a table for breakfast. Q is smiling at him like he’s been his best friend for over 25 years.

 

‘This, this is why I want to give this place a chance.’ 

 

James smiles back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has his first breakfast at the clinic 
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger warning: For anyone who has issues with bulimia or anorexia, this chapter discusses both conditions briefly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I am beyond sorry for my half-year long leave of absence on this work. I've been working through major bouts of depression and writers block when finally, with the new season of Jokers coming out in a few days and with some free time inspiration has come back to me. I can't promise updates will be super frequent, however, I wanna get more of my writing out there again, whether it's this work or even just one-shots I really wanna get back into writing fanfiction. Sorry this chapter isn't very long but I thought this might be a good jump-start. 
> 
> Let's see where the story goes from here. Thanks for the wait <3

“So there I am, five cannoli’s in-“ Joe gestures with his hands before Sal interjects 

“Five cannoli’s in one sitting?” 

“Well yeah, I told you that this was a cannoli eating contest and I was not about to lose” 

“That’s disgusting, how are you not diabetic right now?” 

“Well, if you’d let me finish my damn story I’d tell you” Joe screams at Sal as they begin yet another one of their arguments over breakfast. 

Murr is half listening to their story, while the other half of his mind focuses on taking in his surroundings. Everything from the beige, worn out linoleum that has more scuff marks on it than the floor of a high school gymnasium, to the walls covered in badly painted renditions of cartoon characters such as George Jetson and Felix The Cat, obviously painted by the patients. They must have thought it’d be a two-for-one deal, a nice activity for the residents and a way to “brighten up the place”, in reality the garishly off-color version of Marvin the Martian is making him more uneasy than hopeful. 

Tap tap tap tap…

At the back of his mind for some time now, James has heard a sort of odd tapping sound, however, it’s only registered as a close noise in the last few seconds. Thoughts wander away from grotesque cartoon mascots to the noise at hand, looking up and across the table to see Q, staring at his tray with wide, fearful eyes and a face pure white like he had seen a ghost. Looking just under the table, the source of the tapping can be discovered as being the sound of Q’s shoe incessantly hitting the floor. 

“Hey um…Q, are you ok?” James asks sheepishly, however, hes afraid he already knows the answer. 

“Oh um yeah” Brian looks up, seemingly startled out of his thoughts. 

“Are ya sure?” James knows that he’s lying right through his teeth but he doesn’t wanna call him out on it in fear of further upsetting the poor guy. 

“Yeah, why not?”

“Well um….you haven’t stopped tapping your foot”

“Oh uh right” Q laughs a little, stopping his actions under the table and producing a shaky grin. 

“Does this um…does this happen a lot?” Murr speaks in a quiet voice, almost too afraid to ask. 

“Oh of course it does, duh, he’s anorexic with a touch of bulimia….or is it the other way around” Joe enters the conversation out of nowhere while Sal just looks at him, dumbfounded. 

“Nice Joe, you’re really showing some tact, this is great progress” Sal sneers from beside him. 

“Everybody give a round of applause for Joe, he’s finally learning how not to be a complete and utter asshole” Sal smiles, giving Joe a taunting clap as Joe turns to him, looking like he’s about to go for Sal’s jugular. 

“Guys” Murr says, looking around for the source of the voice for a minute before the terrifying realization comes to him that it is his own voice. Shit, now they’re staring at him, shit, shit, shit say something. 

“I uh…um…Brian’s your friend, right? So maybe just this once can you not fight around him and make him feel nervous. You’re kind of making me feel nervous too and I really don’t like loud noises and when you fight everyone stares at us and my cheeks are red aren’t they? I’m really embarrassed and shit im rambling now, fuck…” Murr lets out a rather fast stream of consciousness, and by the end of it, his eyes are squeezed tight from the nerves. 

“I mean, yeah….sure” Joe shrugs a bit, making James open his eyes and look at him in shock and disbelief. 

“I’m sorry about what I said before Q” Joe murmurs, giving the man a sorry expression, before turning back to Murr “Hey, maybe it’ll be nice to take a break from verbally kicking this neat-freak’s ass all the time” Joe just has to get in one last jab. 

“Yeah, agreed” Sal rolls his eyes, casually giving Joe the middle finger. 

Q looks back up from his tray, giving Murr a small smile before poking around at his food, not taking a bite but at least acknowledging it’s there, and that is enough for James at least for a little while.


End file.
